Aftermath pt. III

* The final chapter to the Aftermath series *

[Noon - Rocky’s Apartment]

(A week has passed since their last confrontation. ALICE stands uncomfortably in the lounge room, while ROCKY lingers against a window that leads to the balcony outside. A wine bottle is clasped in his hand)

ROCKY: (Quietly talking more to himself, rather than ALICE) When was the last time you thought back on one of our happier times?
(Beat, his hand shaking slightly)

And saw me for that?
(Beat)
You feel pain and anger at memories and feelings that you can’t get rid of. You can’t change that. (Pause) That’s okay. It’s. . .okay. (Talking to himself, more quickly) But do I deserve being viewed for what I did wrong over what I did right?
(Beat, looking at the wine bottle)
Who knows?  
(Beat)
I remember the good and the bad. (Turning and facing ALICE, rising up a gear) Even though the bad has hurt me more than anything else in my life. (Pause) As condescending as it sounds, I forgive you. I still think you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever laid eyes upon - the most beautiful, the most ambitious. (Pause) The purest.
(Beat)
But what am I to you?
ALICE: You really do sound condescending.
(Beat)
When you say you forgive me, I have to ask myself: ‘For what, exactly?’
ROCKY: (The corners of his mouth turning up) For turning me from what I was into what I have become now. (Rising up a gear, clenching the wine bottle tightly) For leaving me with a burning chest pain that will continue to be here tomorrow. For ruining my ability to trust people - mostly you, and yet me trying to do so anyway. For hurting me far more than any other human being was capable of.
(Beat, composing himself)
Less sleepless nights would be nice.
ALICE: (Putting her hand up to stop him) Don’t.
(Beat, quietly trembling)
Nothing will change the fact that I received this abuse from you. This is how you feel? Now imagine what it was like for me. I will accept the fact that I have upset and hurt you - but you cannot disregard the fact that I was always true to you.
ROCKY: (Staring into nothing) ‘No matter what’
(Beat)
(Regaining awareness, avoiding eye contact) But we learn from it, I suppose.
ALICE: No - no. That is different.

(ALICE begins to pace around the room)
ALICE: Why did you ask me to come over this afternoon? I thought Tom was supposed to collect the last of my things from here this evening. There’s nothing here.
ROCKY: (Talking quietly) I told him I wouldn’t be in this evening, so it’s already been taken care of.
ALICE: You’re always home on a Friday night, though.
ROCKY: I know.
(Beat, looking at ALICE)
I just wanted to see you.
ALICE: (With disbelief) What?
ROCKY: I wanted to see you.
ALICE: Why?
ROCKY: (His voice cracking, talking slowly) Because I have never felt so. . . unstable as I have during the past few weeks.
(Beat, drinking straight from the bottle)
I can’t take it anymore, Alice.
(Beat, his voice shaking)
I will not lie. (Pause) I need you - and. . .if I have to continue to go through this, then I refuse to live through it. (Pause) So I just wanted to talk.
(Beat)
I need that.

(ALICE sighs and takes a seat on the sofa. She rubs her temples and waits for ROCKY to continue. ROCKY remains by the window, watching her intently)
ROCKY: (With some confidence) I want to get back together.
ALICE: (Incredulously) You’re joking, right? (Seeing the look on ROCKY’s face) You cannot be serious.
(Beat)
I don’t know how many times we have to go over this, Rocky - I am with Daniel now. Don’t you think you should respect the fact that I’m seeing someone else now?
ROCKY: (Frowning) I suppose so.
(Beat)
But - But why can’t it be us, hm? We were just as good.
ALICE: Were, Rocky. (Pause, speaking quietly) And now. . .
(Beat)
Now I am with someone else. Feelings change.
ROCKY: (Speaking quickly) No - no. That’s not the way the world works.
(Beat)
It was you and me. Sure, we had issues but we could have worked through them. Heck, I think we’re through them now.
ALICE: (Scoffing) There is no way we are through them. We certainly won’t be for a long time.
(Beat)
Don’t you see that?
ROCKY: We were just as good as you and Daniel - better even. You have the exact same feelings for him as you did with me.
ALICE: No, the way I feel for Daniel is different to how I felt for you.
ROCKY: So, what? (Shifting up a gear) Am I now just meant to sit idly and pretend that absolutely none of that matters? (Pause) That it’s all gone, just like that?
(Beat)
How can the only part of my life that I care about be suddenly gone? Why do I have to deal with that? (Angry) We could still be just as good - and we should be!

(ROCKY slams his free fist into the wall, making ALICE jump slightly)
ALICE: (Quickly composing herself) Don’t you know that a relationship is doomed when the people in it stop working together to keep it going? (Coldly) Our relationship was over a long time ago, Rocky.
(Beat)
We were just too naive to see it.
ROCKY: (Still angry) What is it you want from me? Just tell me! (Pause) You want it? You got it!
ALICE: (Matching his anger) I want you to stop trying to recreate something that isn’t there anymore! It’s done, Rocky.
(Beat)
It’s too late. It’s over.
ROCKY: (Scrunching his nose up at her) You know what? Screw you, Alice. It’s not like there never was an ‘us’. (Pause) Don’t you think I am entitled to this?
ALICE: Excuse me?
ROCKY: (Speaking passionately with large hand gestures) Don’t you think that considering all the effort I’ve put in to try and make it all work. . .that I even deserve a shot?”
ALICE: No.
(Beat)
You seem to think that I’d just leave Daniel for you. It’s not happening.
ROCKY: You’re right. (Taking a drink from the bottle) It’s not fair for me to expect you to leave your boyfriend. (Pause) But jesus christ, Alice - we had a lot. (Pause) We really did.
(Beat)
You can keep your life. You can keep your body. I don’t want to own you - I just want to be with you. (Pause) You keep labelling me as this bad guy.
(Beat)
(Sarcastically) I’m just the guy who used you, right? Because of course, it’s not like I really cared for you or anything, right?
ALICE: (Muttering to herself) Not when you were only speaking to me to try and get me into bed with you. (Staring hard at ROCKY) Remember that?
ROCKY: (Shifting down a gear, taking a step towards ALICE) Can you consider that in my eyes, I never could have seen coming the things that I see now?
ALICE: (Sitting down again and folding her arms) Really? Not even when I brought it to your attention more than once? (Pause) I told you this before: I voiced my opinion only to have it fall on deaf ears.
(Beat)
ROCKY: (At a loss, his voice shaking again) I have worked so, so hard to try and fix everything.
(Beat)
You agree that at least all of it meant something, don’t you? (Stepping towards ALICE) Then this is deserving of something else - something better. (Composing himself) Who said you get to up and decide that the best part of my life just doesn’t matter anymore because it doesn’t suit your needs now?
(Beat)
A year, Alice. You loved me for a year. (Talking quickly) Now you can focus on all the bad you want, but you loved me for a year and that deserves better than what you give it. (Pause) You will always be upset with me and these are things I cannot fix. Nobody can.
ALICE: It’s perfectly understandable for me to still be upset over what happened. (Her voice dropping) Particularly with Hannah and Stephanie. (Pause) You should know that.
ROCKY: (Practically interrupting, waving his free hand in the air) Hannah was a stupid, fucking idea. Okay? Does that make you happy?
(Beat)
Haven’t you ever done something stupid in your life?
ALICE: (Coldly) Do you want me to answer that honestly?

(ALICE stands up again and stretches. ROCKY takes a step back, hurt by ALICE’s words)
ALICE: (Sighing, pacing around the room slowly) And Stephanie?
ROCKY: (Pointing at ALICE) No - no! I am not taking the blame for that. We have two females in our group - you and her - and I treated her the same as everybody else.
ALICE: (Scoffing) Bullshit.
ROCKY: (Throwing his free hand up in the air, defensively) We can argue this all afternoon. I am not taking the blame for this one.
ALICE: Well don’t expect me to simply put it behind me, then.
ROCKY: Well what would help then, huh? (Rising up a gear) If I lied and said it was all true, would that help?
ALICE: (Her voice low) It was wrong, Rocky. Don’t you see that?
(Beat)
(Gradually raising her voice) I know you’re only human, but what you did with her hurt me more than any other. You can think you’ve done nothing wrong, but when our friends question your faithfulness to me, then there’s an issue!
ROCKY: (At a loss, defensively) Alright, alright. Fine. You win. (Pause) You’ve made me realise that there’s just no point in trying to chase you anymore.
(Beat, drinking generously from the wine bottle again)
(Losing his composure and becoming teary) It makes me feel so empty because there is literally nothing I can say that will make you feel better.

ALICE: Good, because I’m done with this.
(Beat)
ROCKY: What?
ALICE: (Calmly) I’m done with this conversation. (Pause) I’m done with you, Rocky.
ROCKY: Alice!

ALICE: (Heading towards the door) No Rocky, it’s over. (Pause) I’m leaving.
ROCKY: (Quickly losing composure) No! You can’t say that!

(ROCKY stumbles towards ALICE in an attempt to stop her from leaving. He trips over his feet and the wine bottle falls to the ground, smashing into the pieces. ROCKY falls to his knees and desperately tries to crawl towards ALICE)
ROCKY: (At a loss, crying) Alice. (Pause) Alice, please. Please don’t go.
(Beat, begging like a frightened child)
Don’t go.
ALICE: I have to--
ROCKY: (Interrupting her and clutching to her knees) No. . .no. Don’t say that.
(Beat)
Please don’t say that.
(Beat)
Stay with me. (Pause) Please.
ALICE: (Pitying him) At the end of the day, I will always end up fighting with you.
(Beat)
We are never going to resolve this, Rocky. (Pause, quietly) That is the painful truth.
(Beat)
Don’t you see that?
ROCKY: (Shifting down a gear) But - but I need you.
ALICE: No.
(Beat, shaking her head)
You don’t.
(Beat)
I know for a fact that you can live without me.
ROCKY: (Panicking) But I can’t! Don’t you understand? (Watching ALICE free herself from his grasp and head towards the door)
(Beat)

I need you, Alice!
(Beat, ROCKY is frantic as ALICE ignores him)
Alice if you walk out that door right now, you’ll never see me again!
(Beat)
Alice?
(Beat)
ALICE!

Fin.

Goodbye.

* A piece inspired by true events *

I need to talk to you about something.

I don't really know how to start.

It's been two years now, which is a lot longer than it feels sometimes. I've gone through a lot of stages of feelings in that time.
It's been quite growthful and odd.

For a very long time, we've been trying to be friends. I don't know that friends is what we've exactly been, as we've not had quite the regular friendship, but it certainly has been significant and meaningful. For a long time, I've found the idea of staying close to you in some way is less painful than actually saying goodbye.

I care about you and I don't expect that to ever change, but that is certainly not helping me at the moment.
I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

This isn't something I wanted to happen, but I know it's something I need.

I think I've needed to say this for a while now, actually.

It's not about what could or should have been done.
It's not me no longer caring about you.
It's not about you failing.
It's about the fact that sometimes two people can't always remain friends, because sometimes one of them doesn't really want to be 'just friends'.

That's what this is.

I know it must hurt, but that's all this is.
I just can't keep doing this anymore.

I just can't.

I can't prove to you that it's not you, because I can't say anything you'll believe.
All I can say is the truth.
And I've done that.

I know this is painful.
I'm sorry it is.

I love you

And

Goodbye.

Play-time

Ring-a-round the rosie,

A pocket full of posies.

Cross my heart and hope to die,

Stick a needle in the eye.

Brigade.

* A post inspired by an event in 2012 *

Birds of a feather flock together.
And so the black sheep wanders off.

Black Bird.

* Referencing a post made in 2010 *

The black bird kissed the clouds,

Dived through the smoke in the Summer sky.

While the tiny snail blissfully danced,

To the rain on a moss garden.

Aftermath pt. II

* A continuation of the play, as part of a writing challenge *

[8pm:  Alice’s Apartment]

(Time has passed. ALICE and ROCKY sort through what is left of ROCKY’s belongings in the lounge room.)

ALICE: (Busy sorting, not looking at ROCKY) I finally managed to speak to Tom today.
ROCKY: (Avoiding eye contact) I know.
ALICE: You told him to speak to me?
ROCKY: I let him know how you felt. (Pause) Nothing more.
(Beat)
He’s a busy man but he cares, you know.
ALICE: (Muttering) I thought it was too good to be true.
ROCKY: You didn’t like it?
ALICE: It’s not that.
(Beat)
ROCKY: (Looking at ALICE) He misses you too.
ALICE: (Quietly) I know.
(Beat)
You know, he was right.
ROCKY: About?
ALICE: I’d rather not go into specifics.

(An uncomfortable silence - ROCKY and ALICE continue to sort through ROCKY’s belongings)
ROCKY: (Shifting up a gear) You know, I don’t like being ‘worked on’, I like to be ‘worked with’. I need you to start talking to me. I want to help.
(Beat)
I miss being important to you - and when you close up on me, all I can do is feel scared.
(Beat)
ALICE: (Frowning, deep in thought) There are just too many things that will haunt me for a while. That cannot be helped. These thoughts. . .these emotions - they won’t just disappear. (Pause) Spending all this time with you while you sort out your things certainly doesn’t help either.(Beat)
ROCKY: I have a question.
ALICE: What is it?
ROCKY: (Discarding a CD) When you’re feeling happy, does any of that matter?
ALICE: Time apart gives me space and room to breathe.
ROCKY: And time has also brought us closer. (Moving closer towards ALICE, somewhat confident) I’ve noticed it’s made you happier than you’ve been in a while. (Mocking) I don’t think Daniel has even made you that happy.
ALICE: (Ignoring ROCKY’s comment) You can’t force someone to simply forget it all.
ROCKY: No, I can’t.

(ROCKY watches ALICE for a while, thinking to himself. ALICE appears to be getting increasingly flustered)

ROCKY: One thing.
ALICE: (Stops sorting) Yes?
ROCKY: I just thought of it. (Pause) You told me a while ago, remember, your main worry with relationships.
ALICE: Infidelity.
ROCKY: Right - and I said I’d never cheat on you. I’ll bet Daniel said the same thing to you.
(Beat)
But every man dreams of spending the night with two women. (Pause) I can guarantee Daniel has done it too. (Shifting up a gear, seeing the look on ALICE’s face) Now, that doesn’t mean they do it, heck, if they have any amount of respect for their loved ones.
ALICE: (Rolling her eyes) He’s not like that.
ROCKY: (Slowly) I’ll bet that if you could see into his mind, you’d see a lot of things in there that you don’t like, and a few things you’d have never known.
(Beat)
Believe me or not, that’s something I know Daniel has thought of - not because I know him personally, but because: A: he’s a man, and B: he’s human.
ALICE: How would you even--
ROCKY: (Interrupting her) Yes, it’s pathetic. But that’s how we work.
(Beat)
Don’t worry, I would have rather had nails driven through my hands than cheat on you.

ALICE: (Shifting up a gear, clearly annoyed) Oh no, after much careful consideration I don’t think you’d be even capable of something like that. (Pause) But pushing the boundaries? Definitely.
(Beat)
I wouldn’t put it past you to get wrapped up in a certain idea, but not necessarily having the ability to act on it.
ROCKY (Speaking quickly, ignoring her comment) But you know what? It doesn’t matter. We’re here now. I hurt you - and you hurt me.
ALICE: Rocky.
(Beat)
You were verbally and emotionally abusive. (Incredulously) Don’t you see that?
ROCKY: Would I be who I am now if I didn’t? (Sighing, shifting down a gear) Yes, I see what I did was wrong - and I’m still here. (Pause) Nearly a month later - trying to be good enough to deserve you, despite all that.
(Beat)
(Quietly, slowly reaching for ALICE’s hand) I know I can’t change your feelings - they’ll be there regardless. You feel pain and anger at these memories you have over me that you can’t get rid of. (Pause) That’s okay.

(ALICE quickly pulls away and hurries over to the nearby open window. She pulls out a cigarette and fumbles as she lights it)
ALICE: (Avoiding eye contact, talking quickly) Just remember that at the end of the day I always came back to you. Always. I never got too close to people I shouldn’t have - and I certainly didn’t embarrass you by scolding you like a child--
ROCKY: (Interrupting ALICE) Alice.
ALICE: Don’t you see?
ROCKY: (Taking a step towards her) Alice.
ALICE: (Putting her hand up to stop him) No.
(Beat)
No. (Pause) Deep down, I am still very, very angry.
ROCKY: I know that.
(Beat)
No matter what you do, you always will be.

(ROCKY gathers the remainder of his belongings in silence and turns away to leave - bag over his shoulder)
ALICE: (Calling after him) You’re wrong about Daniel. He’s different.
ROCKY: (Over his shoulder) Everyone likes to think their love is special.
(Beat)
You’ll learn it for yourself, like I did.
(ALICE turns away from ROCKY to look out of the window)
It’s not, you know. (Pause) And he’s not.
(Beat)
Some day, he’ll make you cry.

Fin.

Aftermath

* A friend gave me a writing challenge: To create something that was three pages long. I decided to make another play. *

[10pm: Alice’s Apartment Balcony]

(ALICE and ROCKY lounge on the balcony rails, overlooking the nightlife of London)

ROCKY: I know you say it’s only a break. (Pause) But it doesn’t feel like it. I’m sorry that I’ve been bugging you about the whole situation. But I need you to understand - whether or not I stay with you is completely out of my control.
(Beat)

Shouldn’t I feel scared? (Pause) If I lose you now, I know I’ll never find anyone else. So I’m sorry that I’ve been bugging you - no, harassing you about this.
(Beat)
I’m just scared. . .Scared and lonely.

ALICE: (Unnerved) There is no point coming back and trying once more, only to fall into the same situation again. (Pause) You do know that, don’t you?
ROCKY: Well --
ALICE: (Interrupting ROCKY) Because I don’t want to try once more. Not unless if I’m 100% certain that this is something worth fighting for. Don’t you know that any possible doubt will just eat away at me? I can’t handle anymore underlying issues that are just waiting to crack open again.

(ALICE walks towards the end of the balcony and lights up a cigarette. She inhales deeply before exhaling and sighing) ALICE: (Shifting down a gear) I’m normally a patient person, but I became tired of waiting around for things to just happen. I became tired of voicing my opinion only for it to fall onto deaf ears. No one was listening.
ROCKY: I don’t understand.

ALICE: At some point in time, I was just your back up - used when only necessary. You thought you could see me whenever, right? That I’d just be around all the time, waiting on you? How long did it take you to realise that I had things to do too - and that I couldn’t just keep dropping everything I was doing just for the sake of you?
ROCKY: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know I can’t argue with you, because this is your decision. (Pause) I just don’t want you to hate me.
(Beat)
Can I say one thing?
ALICE: What is it?
ROCKY: (He looks at ALICE, sincerely) I want you to know that everything I ever did, ever since I fell in love with you, nothing was meant to hurt. (Pause) Nothing.

(ROCKY walks to the other end of the balcony, opposite ALICE, and continues to look at the night life)
ROCKY: (Not looking at ALICE) I want to ask you something.
ALICE: Yes?
ROCKY: What would you tell people about me?
(ALICE raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t respond)(ROCKY continues) I know I asked you about your exes. I just wonder what you’d say to the next one about me - if you left, I mean.

(ALICE deeply inhales her cigarette again)
ALICE: (Exhaling) That this was a person who impacted my life dramatically - to a point where I didn’t realise I could ever feel so close to anyone before. This person gave me some of my best memories. . .
(ROCKY smiles softly)
But also my worst.
(Beat)
(Rising up a gear) You know, I didn’t think it was possible - that a person could have so much power to manipulate another human being. Like, how was it possible that their simplest actions could eat me away inside? (Pause) It’s funny, really; when Jacob and I were together and he lied about everything, I thought it was the biggest slap in the face I could ever receive. But then you come along, with something so simple - and it hurts just so much more.
(Silence. ALICE sighs and puts out her unfinished cigarette)
ROCKY: (Hurt by ALICE’s words) If you’d like, when I come by tomorrow to pick up more of my things, I won’t come out here and try to talk to you. I won’t say a word.
ALICE: (Quietly) Yes, that would be good.
(Beat)
(ROCKY turns to ALICE)
ROCKY: (At a loss) I love you, you know.
(ALICE averts her gaze and focuses on the nightlife)
I’d like to be able to hear you say it, one day. I miss it.
ALICE: Hm?
ROCKY: (Softly) Hearing you tell me that you love me. (Pause) But I know you won’t say it right now - because I know that you wouldn’t want it to potentially mean nothing. You’ve told me before that you don’t want to lie to me, because you don’t know. . .
(ROCKY trails off, becoming emotional. He tries to compose himself)

(ALICE looks at ROCKY, startled)
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just miss you so much. (Aside, to himself) Damn it, I’m crying again when I thought I was done with that. (To ALICE, quickly drying his eyes with his sleeve and laughing nervously) I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.
ALICE: (Muttering to herself) I do.

(ROCKY nervously fidgets, trying to redeem himself)
ROCKY: You know, the guys. . .they sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting about it all. I was even told I shouldn’t blame myself. (Pause, becoming calmer) But yet, I feel like I’m the only one who understands what I might lose.
(Beat)
And I don’t want to lose you, Alice.
(Silence)
ALICE: (Stretching and avoiding eye contact) I think you should go. It’s getting late. (Pause) I think ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is the best advice to follow for now.
ROCKY: (With a little bit of confidence) You know, if there’s one thing I can do, it’s staying out of the way. (Backing down, after seeing ALICE’s expression) I’m sorry. I should have let you get back to what you were doing before.

(ROCKY slowly bends down to pick up a cardboard box full of clothes and tucks it under one arm)ROCKY: Well, since I won’t hear from you, I just hope you have a good day tomorrow.(He goes to exit but stops)You know, I think what hurts the most is the downward spiral I get into. Whenever I’ve told you just how much this whole situation is killing me, I expect that same, sweet and loving Alice to at least try and say something comforting.
(Beat)
Guess I should remember my motto: ‘Expect nothing and hope for the best’.
ALICE: (Sighing softly) Rocky --
ROCKY: (Interrupting) I know, I know - and I’m going. I’d promised myself today I’d try and stop ranting and raving to you. So I’m going. (Pause, gently) There are so many things I want to say to you though, but I know you just want to be left alone.
ALICE: Yes, I need the space.
ROCKY: Just know that I’ll be thinking of you.
(Beat)
I always think of you.

Fin.